The Vale Gardener's Friend

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The Vale Gardener's Friend by Marshtyt the Master Gardener

I have got green fingers! No, I have not been picking my nose, but I have in fact, been poking my little rose in the garden shed.

I love the smell, the texture and the lovely pink petals of a fragrant carnation. It is a sheer joy to create beautiful hanging gardens and tend to them with your tools.

I have mastered gardening over many years, so I have very polished tips for helping you grow and germinate.

Wheat requires no watering. Once it has grown, get out your chopper and beat it down.

Carrots, Cabbage and Wheat have a 3-day growth cycle. I can't think of anything rude for that.

Apples, Gooseberries and Pears have a 2-day cycle. A bicycle, as it were. Not that I know what one of those is.

Tomatoes have a 3-day growth cycle and do not need watering. Collect them from the trellis. Make sure they are nice and firm by giving them a good squeeze. Then check your tomatoes.

Carrots and Cabbage need watering daily, so give them a good squirt and make them nice and wet.

The use of fertiliser will really help create bigger, hardier plants, so grab your wooden bucket and hold your nose.

Now grab your trowel, clear your mind of innuendos and get gardening, you dirty Pucks!